Needing Kitty, Chapter 1

ATC for "Hostage!" original air date December 11, 1972, written by Paul F. Edwards, directed by Gunnar Hellstrom. This story is told in Fic Time, not to be mistaken for Real Time. Recovery from the sort of emotional and physical trauma which Kitty experienced in this episode would actually have taken a lengthy period of time which I have shortened to accommodate the limitations of this short story. Many thanks to DK who suggested the story idea. Many thanks also to Glow1012 for invaluable guidance on this very sensitive topic. And thank you as always to singerme, my superbetagirl who tolerates my relentless neediness and catches my goofs.

ljljljljlj

“I don’t need your help right now, Matt. I wish you’d just leave!”

Kitty’s words stung. Matt hung his head thoughtfully for a moment, took his hat off the peg on the back of the door and resignedly sighed, “Alright, Kitty.” He scratched his stubbly cheek and wouldn’t meet her eyes. Since Kitty had been hurt by Jude Bonner and his gang, he hadn’t had much time for the niceties of life, like shaving. “You know where to find me if you need me.”

Kitty shook from head to toe, but it wasn’t entirely in anger. She couldn’t explain it, even to herself, clutching her dressing gown more tightly around her body as she watched Matt close the door behind him. Why should she feel frightened right now? Why on earth would Matt’s touch turn the blood in her veins to ice water? Her own visceral reaction when he’d tried to help her undress for her bath had taken her entirely by surprise and she’d panicked, snapping at him and sending him away with his tail tucked between his legs.

He had only been trying to help. He’d brought her home from Doc’s place only this morning, even though Doc wasn’t ready for her to leave just yet. Doc had fussed, cajoled and finally pleaded with her to stay for a while longer, until she had healed properly and was feeling stronger, but Kitty wanted to go home. She was ready to go home right now. And when she pressed her lips into a thin line and crossed her arms like that, Doc realized that, despite her frail condition and weak voice, she was bound and determined to have her way. There was no arguing with that stubborn redhead.

And so Matt and Doc had taken her home in the wee hours of the morning, way after the Long Branch had been closed up for the night and long before daylight when the citizens of Dodge would be up and bustling around. Kitty Russell didn’t want anyone to see her like this. They’d seen enough out on Front Street when Jude Bonner had left her, beaten and raped, and then shot her right there in front of everyone. She shuddered at the thought that people would be discussing that story in hushed voices, behind closed doors, for a long time to come.

She had attempted to make the walk home by herself. She really had tried. But she was out of breath and weak in the knees before she could even get halfway down Doc’s steep staircase. Doc opened his mouth to protest, to say “I told you so” and order her swiftly back inside, but Matt took one look at her face, so disappointed and yet so determined, and he swept her into his arms with a firm look at Doc. He hurriedly carried her up her back steps and let Doc unlock the door with his key, tied with a grimy, tattered pale green ribbon Kitty had given him years ago. Doc didn’t bat an eyelash. He just dropped the key back in Matt’s vest pocket and went inside to light a small lamp and turn back the covers of Kitty’s bed. They’d tucked her in carefully and she’d sighed in enormous relief at being home in her own bed. And then she closed her eyes, falling into an exhausted sleep immediately.

Doc and Matt studied each other across her sleeping form, and Doc shook his head in sorrow and anger and frustration, that this should have happened to the woman he loved like a daughter. Those men had hurt her badly, and not just physically. It would take Kitty a long time to recover physically, but he knew it would take an even longer time for her to recover emotionally. Doc patted Matt silently on the arm and closed the door behind him. Matt sat in a chair beside the bed to watch over Kitty while she slept.

Sitting there in the dim lamplight beside her, Matt was reminded of a time years ago, when they were both still young and just falling in love, and he’d sat by her bedside after the Gunther brothers had kidnapped and beaten her. The night before, he’d crouched outside in the bushes, lying in wait for them to take just one damn step out the door of the cabin so that he could shoot them dead. And that’s what he’d done. They’d hurt Kitty and he’d made them pay the price. He’d been so afraid then of what the murderous bank-robbing brothers might be doing to her inside that cabin. So afraid for her.

Matt’s gut churned as he looked at Kitty now, so small and frail in her bed. He felt sick because his worst nightmare had ultimately come true. Jude Bonner and his men had brutalized her, raped and beaten her until she barely had the will to survive. But he’d told her, he needed her. I need you, Kitty. And finally he’d seen the old spark in her eyes. He’d told her a thousand times over the years that he loved her. But he wanted her to know, I need you. I’m not complete without you. And he saw in her eyes then that she would try for him. She would make it.

And then he’d gone after those animals. He’d had a thirst for their blood in his heart. He wanted Jude Bonner to die. “Bonner! I’m here to kill ya!” he’d growled when he’d hunted down the dog soldiers on the blistering hot prairie. And he meant it. He would have smashed that bastard’s skull in with a rock if half of Dodge had not been standing there watching. He could have done it easily and not felt a lick of remorse. He hated the man and he would gladly pull the trapdoor lever when the time came to hang his worthless carcass.

Matt gazed at Kitty lying in her bed and his chest tightened painfully. It broke his heart to see her this way. Bruised and battered, face pale and drawn, exhaustion evident in both her features and her still form. He searched for some sign of the Kitty he knew and loved, a woman full of fire and sass, outrageous beauty and gritty determination. Was she still in there? Or had they broken her?

And then Kitty had awoken, and she’d wanted a bath. More than anything, she needed to wash those vicious dog soldiers from her skin, to erase their touch, their smell, their memory even. Matt had asked Sam to help him haul hot water upstairs for her bathtub, and she’d lain quietly in bed, watching them, not speaking. And then when Sam had closed the door behind him, Matt had approached her, ready to help her undress and step into the steaming water, but she had panicked. She had lashed out at him, refused his help. And he had left, stricken, confused, wondering what he had done to make her angry.

ljljljljlj

“So there you are, young fella’...”

Matt tipped his hat back and scooted over so Doc could join him on Kitty’s back staircase. She’d made it plain she didn’t want him around, but he’d also wanted to be within shouting distance in case she needed him. “Young fella’? I don’t feel too awful young today. You haven’t called me that in a long time.”

“Yeah, well, you’ll always be a young fella’ to me, you know.” Doc wrinkled his nose and scrubbed his mustache with a finger. “What in blue blazes are you doin’ hidin’ back here?”

“I’m afraid Kitty’s mad at me, Doc.”

“Mad at ya’? She hasn’t had time to get mad at ya’ yet.”

“Oh, yes she has. She ordered me out.”

Doc muttered thoughtfully, “Ordered you out, huh? Why? What’d you do?”

“Nuthin’, Doc, I swear. I was just tryin’ to help her. She wanted to take a bath.” Matt’s ears turned pink at the admission. “Well, it wasn’t like I was doin’ anything out of the ordinary.”

Doc tugged at his ear and squinted up at him. “No, not for you, but, Matt, Kitty has been through an awful lot. You know that.”

“Well, sure I know that, but...heck, it’s just me!” He held out his arms helplessly. “Why is she gettin’ mad at me?”

“Maybe she’s not mad. Maybe she’s scared.”

“Scared?”

“Matt, while you were gone, when she finally woke up, she was plenty scared, I tell ya’. She’d jump when I’d come in the room unexpected, flinch when I touched her. She may not like to be touched, Matt. Not at all. You know what they did to her...”

Matt hung his head, half-heartedly brushing the dust off his boots with his hands. “Yeah, Doc, I know.”

“I’m afraid it may take her a long time to get over this. To get over bein’ afraid. And she’s angry, too. But if she acts angry, she may not really be angry with you. She’s angry with herself.”

“Herself? What do you mean?” Matt dusted his hands together.

“She told me she blamed herself for what happened. I don’t know why and it doesn’t make sense to me, but she does. She feels awful guilty. And she’s worried that you might not love her anymore.”

“She told you that?”

“She doesn’t have to. I can tell.”

“Well, dammit, Doc, she won’t give me a chance. She won’t let me close to her.”

“Give her time, Matt. It’s gonna take a lot of time and patience. It won’t happen overnight. She’s been hurt bad, and not just physically. Do you understand that? You remember those boys you fought with in the war? The ones that couldn’t take the killing and the maiming and the loss? You remember what they were like? Kitty’s heart and mind have gone through something bad like that. It changes you forever. Matt, all you can do is be there for her, no matter what.”

Matt’s brow furrowed in thought and he leaned back, crossing his arms. “Doc, could you...?”

“I’ll go talk to her.”

“Thanks, Doc.”

“Don’t mention it.”

ljljljljlj

Doc knocked quietly on Kitty’s door so as not to startle her. A faint voice, just an echo of its former vivacious self, sounded from within, “Come in.”

Doc shuffled inside and found Kitty pulling herself upright in bed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Setting his worn, black leather bag on her nightstand, he smilingly asked, “Did I wake you? I’m sure sorry, but I needed to see how my favorite patient was getting on.”

“I’m fine, Doc.” She pulled the covers higher, tucking them protectively under her arms.

Doc opened his bag, took out his stethoscope. “I’m just going to listen to your heart now, Kitty. Is that okay?”

“Yes.” She closed her eyes and held her breath when he touched her with the instrument.

“Are you alright?” he asked quietly. “Can I take your pulse now?”

She nodded wordlessly and he gently took her wrist between his thumb and two fingers and found that her pulse was racing madly. Doc took off his stethoscope, dropping it back into his bag and dragged a chair up close to the bed. He sat down and scrubbed a hand over his face thoughtfully before he spoke. “Sweetheart, you know that I’d do anything in the world to take away the hurt you’re goin’ through right now, don’t you?”

Mutely, Kitty nodded, not daring to look at anything save her hands folded quietly in her lap. She pressed her lips tightly together.

“I only have the merest idea of what you might be experiencing right now.” He started to reach out and pat her hand comfortingly, but then caught himself. “I know you’re frightened.”

Kitty’s brows knit together at his words.

“And I know you’re angry.” He shook his head. “But you’ve got a perfect right to be. What you’re feeling is entirely normal.” Taking off his hat, he laid it on top of his bag and sat back. He crossed his legs and waited quietly, giving her the opportunity to speak.

Finally, her voice came out in a hoarse whisper, “I feel like it’s all my fault, Doc.”

“That’s preposterous. How could it be your fault, Kitty?”

“I should have done something...anything...to stop it.”

“They were going to cut old Woody Lathrop’s throat. Kill him dead if you hadn’t come out and given yourself up. Sam told me. You had no choice.”

“And now...” She held out her hands in a gesture of helplessness. “I’m a mess. I know Matt must...” Her breath hiccupped. “...I know he must hate me.”

“No, Kitty, no, absolutely not. He does not hate you.” Doc scooted his chair closer to her, but still did not try and touch her. “He blames himself. He hasn’t said a word, no, not the big tough marshal, but I know him. This is about to kill him, honey. Don’t you see? You’re both blaming yourselves and it’s nobody’s fault except Jude Bonner’s.”

Silent tears began to streak down Kitty’s face as she twisted the quilt in her fingers.

“Kitty, it’s going to take a lot of time. And patience. Matt loves you. More than you’ll ever know. But you have to give yourself time, you hear? You’ve gotta give yourself time to heal, not just outside, but inside too. Do you understand?”

She mutely nodded and wiped her tears with the sleeve of her nightgown. Doc dug a hankie out of his pocket and handed it to her. “Quit blaming yourself for what happened. And understand that Matt will have to learn to be patient with you while you’re trying to get over this. I’ve explained this to him so he understands, alright?”

She sniffled and nodded, “Alright, Doc.”

He asked cautiously, “Kitty, can I give you a hug?”

She nodded again, and he enveloped her in his arms for just a few seconds. But in that few seconds he felt her body react to his touch and stiffen, and it made his heart squeeze painfully in his chest--that this loving, outgoing woman he claimed as family had been hurt in such a traumatic manner. He quickly released her, grabbing his hat and his bag. Brushing an errant tear from his careworn cheek, he left her room with a quick goodbye and a promise to check on her later.

ljljljljlj

Kitty tightly shut her eyes and held her breath while Doc examined her tender female flesh, where no man except Matt usually touched her. It’d been years since Doc even had to examine her down there, since she bought the Long Branch and was able to stop taking strange men to her bed in order to put food in her mouth. It was then that Doc had finally ceased insisting on regular exams to make sure she hadn’t caught something that sent so many girls of her profession to an early grave.

But now, in one terrible afternoon, there had been many men touching her, bruising her, tearing her flesh. Doc had to make sure she hadn’t caught a disease from one of those men, and that the injured flesh did not become infected. That could kill her just as easily as Bonner’s bullet to her side might’ve. Kitty’s entire body trembled while Doc performed his exam, cleaning her wounds and reapplying salve.

“I’m almost done, Kitty. I’m hurrying, I promise.”

Tears trickled out of the corners of her eyes at this new invasion of her privacy and she just prayed for it to be over with. Doc finally pulled her nightgown back down to cover her and tugged the sheet over her body. “All done. You can relax.”

He turned his back to go wash his hands and it gave her a chance to recover. She dashed the tears away with her palms and sat up slowly so as not to aggravate her gunshot wound. Drying his hands, Doc hurried over to place a pillow behind her back. “Everything’s healing fine down there, Kitty. I shouldn’t have to put you through that too many more times. If it weren’t for that gunshot wound holding you back, you might be able to fend for yourself here on out.”

“Oh, Doc, I think I can manage.”

“You want me to get one of your girls to...”

“No, Doc, please, I can manage on my own, honest.”

“Alright,” he said doubtfully. “But you’ll tell me if you need my help, won’t you?”

“Yes, Doc, I promise.” She smoothed her gown over her lap and pulled the sheet up under her arms, avoiding his gaze.

“Has Matt been up here to see you yet?”

“No.”

“Well, why in thunder not?”

“I think...” She took a deep breath. “I think he must not want to be around me anymore, Doc. He probably can’t stand the sight of me.”

“Will you stop saying that, Kitty? Why would Matt hate you?”

She swallowed hard, tracing the intricate pattern of the quilt with her finger. “Because of what I did, Doc.”

“What you did?” Doc was flabbergasted. “You mean the crime that was perpetrated against you, don’t you?”

“I should have stopped them, Doc. Somehow.”

“Stopped them? How on earth would you have been able to stop all those men? Those...criminals!” Doc swiped a hand over his face in frustration and asked, “Kitty, what could you have done differently?”

Her brow furrowed as she searched for a reasonable reply to Doc’s question.

“What if you hadn’t come down those stairs, Kitty? What would have happened then?”

She finally looked up at him, and the pain and confusion and misery in her blue eyes tore his heart out.

“You see, Kitty. You had no choice, honey. This is not your fault. This is not Matt’s fault. This is all Jude Bonner’s fault, and the faster you can quit blaming yourself, the faster you can start healing.”

tbc

ljljljljlj