Grab your ticket and your suitcase, thunder's rolling down this
track
Well, you don't know where you're going now, but you know you won't be back
Well, darling, if you're weary, lay your head upon my chest
We'll take what we can carry, yeah, and we'll leave the rest...
Well, you don't know where you're going now, but you know you won't be back
Well, darling, if you're weary, lay your head upon my chest
We'll take what we can carry, yeah, and we'll leave the rest...
B.Springsteen
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The colorless prairie appeared bleak and dry and deserted,
as empty and lonesome as the distraught woman’s heart, while it sped endlessly
past her window. The striking,
middle-aged passenger who sat looking forlornly out at the desolate landscape had
to swallow a lump in her throat to keep hot tears from coursing down her pale
cheeks. How had it all come to this, she wondered despondently. How?
She felt nauseous and even panicky as she contemplated everything
that she was leaving behind in that dusty old cowtown—dear friends who were
like family, a thriving business, and most of all her best friend and tender lover
of nearly twenty years. The thought of
life without him ripped her insides apart and set her mind awhirl. It was, quite simply, incomprehensible to
her. The cadence of the wheels on the
steel track beat out a churning rhythm in her head that was ominous and
pervasive—“It’s over...it’s over...it’s over...” Each hateful turn took her farther and
farther from the man she loved more than life itself, her very soul mate. She absently fingered the cameo he’d given to
her, pinned at her breast, close to the beating heart that he held in his big,
calloused hand. His ruggedly handsome
features haunted her mind, pale blue, hurt eyes narrowing accusingly as she
imagined him looking at her, imagined him insistently asking her, why, honey...why?
This train carries losers and winners
This train carries whores and gamblers
This train carries lost souls
Her thoughts were wrenched back to the confines of the train car as she felt the dark, inquisitive gaze of the fancy-dressed gambler across the aisle scrutinizing her again. His neatly combed hair, gray streaking the temples and peppering his closely-trimmed beard and mustache, gave him a distinguished appearance, and she could tell his clothes were well-tailored and expensive. She’d quickly but politely brushed off his attempts at conversation when they’d boarded. He’d tipped his hat most respectfully and appraised her with obvious interest, telling her he was heading for Colorado. And where might she be headed, if she didn’t mind him asking? To join her husband, she’d lied. Truthfully, she had no idea where she was going. West... Away... Far away...leaving behind all her hopes and dreams.
She wished he’d transfer his attentions to the peroxide blonde
working girl who sat only a couple of rows up.
There was no mistaking what the young lady did for a living, leastways not
by someone who’d been forced to do the same many years ago. Her clothes and hairstyle were a little too
fancy for a lone female riding the rails in this part of the country. The girl wore paint and she had a lean,
hungry look about her. She could tell
the girl had mended her one nice traveling dress on the shoulder, and she’d
done it herself and not very skillfully.
The stitches were uneven and the color of the thread didn’t quite match. She
carried her few belongings in a worn carpetbag which she kept vigilantly by her
side, probably everything she owned in this cruel world. The young lady was sure interested in the
gambling man, as she kept giving backward glances his way. When would he take the hint and go and talk
with the eager soiled dove instead of holding out for a change of heart from Kitty
Russell?
She started at a cry from behind her, then relaxed when she
realized it was only a small babe in its mother’s arms. The young woman patted his back and tried to
soothe him, but the antsy toddler who sat by her side also demanded her
attention when she decided to clamber out of her seat and mischievously scamper
down the aisle past Kitty. Kitty
captured the curly mop-topped little escape artist before she could make it far
and wrangled her back to her mother, an astonished look on the child’s face at
the strange lady with the fiery red hair who now held her prisoner.
“Thank you, ma’am!” the mother exclaimed as she tried to
take the fidgety little girl into her lap, except there wasn’t enough room to
accommodate both children comfortably.
“May I?” Kitty asked softly, reservedly. “I can hold your baby for a while so you can
tend to your little girl. I think she might
need some attention.”
“Would you mind?” A
grateful look washed over the weary young mother’s features. “Are you sure it’s no bother?”
“No bother a’tall,” Kitty smiled as she pulled the small,
warm bundle of life into her arms and against her breast as she settled back
into her seat, until it made her heart ache so badly she thought she’d cry
right then and there in front of everybody.
But instead she swallowed the bittersweet tears back and touched a finger
to the baby boy’s pink cheek, the skin so soft and smooth and new like a
promise. He opened his dark blue eyes
and gazed at her hard, waving his tiny fists and working his rosebud mouth like
he wanted to talk to her something fierce.
“His name’s Charlie.”
The mother answered her unasked question as Kitty looked wonderingly
into his earnest expression, her chest swelling with terrible emotion as she
was wishing and wanting and needing so badly to weep away her sorrows...
“What in heaven’s name...?
The wavering voice of an old woman came from the back of the passenger
car.
Her young grandson exclaimed excitedly, “I bet we’re gonna
be robbed!”
The elderly woman scolded, “Thomas, don’t say such a thing!”
as the other passengers craned their necks to peer out the windows in the direction
of the rear of the train.
“I bet he’s a train robber, don’t you think, Mister?” Thomas
questioned the shabbily-dressed man in front of him.
From the looks of his threadbare clothing, the passenger
wouldn’t have too much to worry about if the train were robbed as he probably
didn’t have much to lose. Peering
outside with narrowed eyes, he answered the boy, “I don’t know, son. But there’s only one of ‘em. I wouldn’t think one man would try and rob a
whole train by himself...”
“No...” she mouthed. Dammit, Matt Dillon, you’re not a young buck
anymore. What in heaven’s name are you
thinking?!
She and everyone on the train car gasped in unison as they
watched the handhold slip from his reach.
But the determined lawman spurred the lathered buckskin on harder and
Kitty watched with a mixture of both terror and pride as her man steeled his
features, reaching once more to grab at the handle. He made a desperate dive, clinging to the car
as the horse veered away from his owner and onto the empty prairie. Kitty’s hand flew to her mouth and she cried
aloud as she watched Matt’s feet dangling precariously.
The boy Thomas shouted what she was afraid to voice, “He’ll
be killed!”
But Matt Dillon, never a man to give up, gritted his teeth
and inched his body higher and higher, until his feet managed to scramble onto
the stair step and he was at last able to climb aboard, gasping for breath.
Kitty sank back against her seat, trembling and weak with
relief, unable to move. Everyone on the
car was talking excitedly at the daring exploits they’d just witnessed. Kitty could only attempt to gather her wits
about her at the recent development of events, the small baby Charlie quietly
fussing in her arms.
Within moments, there was a rush of air from behind as the
train car door opened and sudden silence fell over the curious passengers. Booted footsteps, with a slight limp, made
their way down the aisle, only to stop directly at her shoulder. She remained facing forward, listening to Matt’s
still-labored breathing as he grunted at her, “Kitty Russell, I’m gettin’ too
damn old for this.”
The young mother stared wide-eyed and somewhat slack-jawed at
the lawman as she reached over Kitty’s shoulder and quickly whispered, “I’ll
take little Charlie now...”
Matt doffed his hat to the woman and offered, “Thank you,
ma’am,” then unceremoniously grabbing Kitty’s hand, he pulled her hurriedly down
the aisle and through the back door of the car onto the jolting platform. She backed against the wall of the car for support
as Matt Dillon placed a hand on the wall above her shoulder to steady himself,
tipping his hat back with one finger and looking intently into her face. “You care to tell me what this is all about?”
She swallowed hard, never having planned on giving parting
explanations, so now she was at a loss for words. “Not really...”
“Not really? What
kinda’ answer is that? You up and leave town with no
explanations? You leave secret
instructions with Floyd to ship your belongings to a destination unknown to
even you?” He removed his hat and testily
beat the dust off on his pant legs. “I
had to do some pretty fast talkin’ to get that information outta him, I might
add. And if it weren’t for Festus
spotting you at the train station, I never woulda even known you were gone to
begin with, until it was too late! “
She couldn’t bear to look him in the eye. “Matt...”
But her voice trailed off and halted.
What could she say?
He blew out a breath.
“What the heck is goin’ on, Kitty?
Why are you leaving me?” Raking
his fingers through his hair in frustration, he tipped her chin up with a
finger and forced her to look at him.
“Why?”
Her heart pounded in her chest as she took a deep breath and
blurted out, “I’m pregnant.”
Matt’s hands dropped loosely to his sides and he looked at
her blankly. “What?” he breathed.
She stared down as she wrung her hands tightly, the words
tumbling out, “I’ve always been so careful, Matt... We’ve
always been so careful! And I know you
don’t want children. I know you don’t
need the responsibility of a family.
You’ve always told me that.
That’s one of the reasons why you didn’t want to get married. I knew that, but it happened anyway!” She still couldn’t look into his eyes. She picked at a manicured nail until it bled
as the words bubbled forth. “But I want
this baby, Matt. I want it so bad!”
Both her hands slid down to her belly, swollen just the
tiniest bit, so little he hadn’t even noticed until now. He slowly placed his big, calloused hand atop
hers and held it there, not letting go.
She urgently finished, “I want it more than I’ve ever wanted
anything, Matt...” She finished with a
whisper, “...except for you.” She finally looked up into his suntanned face,
the lines around his eyes crinkling as he watched her silently. “I want this baby, Matt, and I knew you
didn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I just felt I had to leave. Go somewhere we wouldn’t be a bother to you.”
“A bother to me?” he murmured incredulously as he dropped
his weathered old hat back onto his head.
“Well, you always told me...”
“But, honey, I love you.
You know that.”
“Yes, I do know that, but...”
“No ‘but’s’, sweetheart.
I can’t believe you were going to leave me without a word...” His voice broke and he rubbed a hand wearily
over his face. Then he took a deep
breath and added gruffly, “You’re carrying our child!”
“Do you know how good it feels to hear you say that, Matthew
Dillon? ‘Our child?’” She toyed with a button on his shirt front,
whispering, “I can’t believe it’s happened after all these years. I didn’t even think it was still possible.”
Matt sighed, wrapping his long arms around her waist and
pulling her body close. Kitty laid her
head on his chest, listening to his beating heart, cherishing the warmth of him
so close to her, a warmth she thought she’d never feel again. She inhaled deeply the smell he always
carried with him, of leather and horses and gun oil and sweat and something
that was purely male and purely Matt Dillon.
It stirred her emotions beyond words to be near him, to touch him once
more.
She choked back a sob and Matt squeezed her tightly, but not
too tightly, thinking of the babe that grew in her belly. “What’s the matter, honey?” he asked softly,
gently, rubbing her back, trying to caress away her sorrows.
“What do you mean, ‘what’s the matter’?” She took a hiccupping breath. “I’ve gone and ruined everything.”
“You’ve gone and ruined everything? Last time I checked it took two to make a
baby...” He leaned down and kissed the
top of her head.
“Yeah, but...”
“There you go again with the ‘but’s’, Kitty Russell.” His deep voice rumbled in his chest, into her
ear and clear down into her belly where she wondered if her baby...their baby...could hear it. The thought pleased her immensely and she
gave a little shiver.
Matt wrapped a silken red curl around his index finger,
stroking it absently with his thumb as they stood silently, gently swaying with
the rhythm of the steel wheels beneath them.
Then he pressed her closer, his hand at the small of her back, and stated
resolutely, “I’m goin’ with you.” His
voice was so low and quiet and thoughtful, she wasn’t sure she’d heard him
right.
She gazed up at him through unshed tears. “What did you say?”
“I said, I’m goin’ with you.
I don’t care where we go, as long as we’re together.”
“But, Matt...” She
looked at him incredulously. “Are you
sure?”
“Kitty, I told you earlier, I’m gettin’ old. Maybe it’s about damn time I settled
down. When I found out you’d up and
left, all I knew was that I wanna be with you. ” He traced a finger down her
cheek. “No matter what.”
She released a shuddering breath and slid her arms up his
broad chest and around his neck. “No
matter what...huh, Cowboy?” She smiled
knowingly as she gave a little sniffle.
“I bet ya’ didn’t plan on a baby bein’ in the picture.”
“Well, Kitty, you got me there. No, I didn’t.
But I meant what I said. Nothing
matters to me as much as us being together.
And I think we might make pretty good parents, after all, don’t you?”
Tears finally escaped her brimming eyes as she laughingly
said, “It took you an awful long time to figure that out.”
Chagrined, he muttered, “I guess I’m a slow learner, honey.”
“Didn’t you ever hear ‘slow and steady wins the race’?” She wiped away the tears with the back of her
hand and playfully demanded, “Kiss me, Cowboy.”
As Matt Dillon’s head bent low and his warm, eager lips enveloped
hers, she suddenly became aware that the train wheels had changed their
song. Now she distinctly heard their
rhythm endlessly repeat, “At last...At last...At last...” as she melted into
her cowboy’s strong arms, surrendering to his tender, loving embrace.
End
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I will provide for you and I'll stand by your side
You'll need a good companion now for this part of the ride
Yeah, leave behind your sorrows, let this day be the last
Well, tomorrow there'll be sunshine and all this darkness past
I said, now this train, dreams will not be thwarted
This train, faith will be rewarded
This train, the steel wheels singing
This train, bells of freedom ringing
Well, big wheels roll through fields where sunlight streams
Oh, meet me in a land of hope and dreams
This train, faith will be rewarded
This train, the steel wheels singing
This train, bells of freedom ringing
Well, big wheels roll through fields where sunlight streams
Oh, meet me in a land of hope and dreams
“Land of Hope and
Dreams”, Bruce Springsteen, Wrecking Ball, c2012
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